Sunday, October 30, 2005

The Little Prince...

I made a gesture of weariness. It is absurd to look for a well, at random, in the immensity of the desert.... "The desert is beautiful," the little prince added. And that was true. I have always loved the desert. One sits down on a desert sand dune, sees nothing, hears nothing.... "What makes the desert beautiful," said the little prince, "is that somewhere it hides a well..."
- Antoine de Saint Exupery

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Human Nature

I had a great time last night - good friends, good food, good drinks... Started the evening off with a couple of beer and a delicious steak sandwhich. (Mmmmm... Alberta beef folks, can't beat it.) It was so relaxing just to kick back, bullshit a little, and dowload on life's issues.

Then we went out to a local dance bar. We had never gotten there that early (before 10pm). Again, it was quiet, we could talk and watch people slowly coming in. There were some people who were dressed up for Halloween and they made my night! They were so hilarious. I just found it so interesting to watch how a costume gave them a license to be so "out" there; some people use costumes and others used drinks. I wasn't in the "pick up" headspace, so I found I was constantly analyzing everything that was going on.

There was the girl who thought she was all that: she must have taken a couple of dance classes as a child and maybe a pole dancing class as an "adult"; was probably told she was real pretty and cute as a child and thinks she's too hot for her britches now. After a few jugs of whatever red slosh she was drinking, she was falling on the dance floor in her slippery spilled mess after she was trying moves too raunchy for words. She had the habit of making fun of the men she was dancing with whenever they turned their heads - I guess that's what really got me. Puh-leeze. She tried coming over to where we were sitting to talk to us. She got my one-eye-brow-raised look of "don't even think it honey"...

A highlight of the evening was the dance I had with one guy without ever making it to the dance floor together. It was a series of glances, looks, flirtatious smiles... he reminded me of one of my "old flames". He had that same look of mischief and untold opportunities I've seen before ;) ... When we were both on the dance floor (with different people), we somehow managed to "bump" into each other without ever making eye contact - this was in part due to respect of our dance partners and (on my part anyways) for fear of what would happen if we did... I wasn't in the mood to pursue anything, but feeling those sparks sure was fun.

You know, when I go out, I go to hang out, get a good buzz, dance, and to laugh. Getting hit on is part of the bar scene. I'll talk to just about anyone as long as they are being respectful. I must be getting older or more "grown-up". After looking around, considering the options, I'm realizing more and more, that I am choosing, consciously or sub-consciously, to be single. This realization helps me to find peace, and perhaps a little comfort, when I see a couple that is so obviously in love that the energy around them is somehow so much brighter while I still seem to be in love's shadows.

Patience is a virtue I remind that impetuous little girl inside me who stomps her feet and tends to pout...

Thursday, October 27, 2005

What a difference a day makes...

I think I've pulled out of this last mood I've been in. Phewf. Enough already. I can feel the bitch factor going down and the mischief factor increasing. Yep, I'm ready to sit in my local pub with some buddies and some beer and not have any plans from there. I did some retail therapy and got the cutest little red shirt just for the occasion. Yep, I feel like going out and pretending I don't have a care in the world - for a few hours anyways. I'll deal with the "to do's" on Saturday. Only 23minutes until Friday...

I think I'll start my Merci Moments again this weekend. I kinda miss doing that. They may seem monotonous for you, dear reader, but I found the exercise of doing it grounded me a little more.

October 27...

This is what my daily "angel" calendar says for today:

Letting go of our sorrows can be as difficult
as letting go of a prized possession.
It takes the strength of many angels
to pry our hands loose from those
sadnesses that have become part of us.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Movin on...

I decided on wine and pizza for this evening. Good choice, good choice me thinks. There are very few problems in the world that don't seem so huge after 2 glasses of wine. As always, I have a lot of work to do this evening, but that's ok, it'll only get more interesting if I entertain the idea of having that third glass.... hmmmmm..... what to do......

Do I detect a negative coping mechanism for dealing with stress and strife? Oh well. It certainly beats hearing that awful whiny tone I heard in my own voice this afternoon. Yikes. I could hear it, but I just couldn't stop it from erupting out of my mouth.

Gentlemen, if you are at all squeamish with women's issues, click off now....

PMS is driving me nuts. I can feel a chemical bitch factor seeping through my veins. I whine, I get overwhelmed so easily, I change hairstyles - hell, I even cut my own hair this weekend... yep, it's that bad. (I am very vain about my hair.) I've also noticed I tend to end "relationships" during this time. I've broken up with more men during this phase than any other. Karma is going to bite me in the ass one day. One more day and things should even out. Then I have "the week after" to deal with.... sheesh. Time for me to get out this weekend.


OK, I better stop the verbage now before I start to

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Man ual

Here I am... supposed to be doing a million things... correction... was supposed to do a million things over the weekend... here I sit... wishing I had a man ual.
A manual to say do this do that and then this and that will happen. A step by step procedure that I could skim over, and then go through in detail and know that after following each step I land up somewhere... anywhere but here...
I once wrote a poem... actually 3 years and 20 days ago (I was going through an old journal)... it goes like this...

Oh the Sundays of my discontent
Where's the time gone, how was it spent?
Alas, I know, this much is true
I've wasted too much time thinking of you.
I want to scream I want to shout
I want to rave and rant about.
As the rain pours down and I lay on my bed
I want to hide with the covers over my head.
I must carry on, I must proceed
While my love for you lives indeed.
Get out of my head my thoughts my heart
It tears me up that we must be apart.
It's been only 5 days since you went
Oh the Sundays of my discontent.

Wow, that was 3 years ago... Garth has a really great song which completely pertains to that episode in my life: Thank God for Unanswered Prayers. Phewf, thank goodness things with that guy never worked out. Otherwise, I'd be knee deep in manure (for real - he was a rancher). You know what really gets me now, now that I'm three years wiser - this guy never really "got" me, there was so much he never appreciated. I don't want to ever be in that kind of a relationship again...

I suppose this should give me hope and feed my faith that life goes on, everything happens for a reason, yada yada yada... How is it that 95% of human are in significant pair bonds? Nice statistic, eh? What makes me so "special" to be part of the 5% which sits here wishing she had the man ual which the other 95% apparently got, but me and my fellow compadres so obviously did not get... did I miss that day in school? Sigh... oh the Sundays of my discontent... thank goodness there's only 3 minutes of this day left...

Rear View

Sorry this isn't brighter...

Watcha Lookin At?

Friday, October 21, 2005

Princess Pretty Girl

Thursday, October 20, 2005

My Morning Company in the Mountains

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Come Away With Me...

This is where I was and had a hard a time coming back from...

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Who Knew?

Wow. I am SO awake. Last night I had 12 hours of sleep and the night before that 11 hours. What do I do with all of this "awake power". I've had more sleep in 2 nights than I've had for the last week. Holy cow! Is this what it really feels like to not be narcoleptic-exhausted? I should do this sleep thing more often. Wow.

It's Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada. I'm looking forward to the long weekend. It's going to be a good "home" weekend to get things done. I'm going away next weekend so I want to get 2 weekends of chores done today. Then I can relax Sunday and Monday and maybe do some local sight-seeing. Ever notice how you rarely play tourist at home? It's such beautiful weather here, the fall colors are gorgeous, tomorrow's a good day for a picnic.

I'll probably be posting more this weekend, seeing that I'll actually be home and I'll actually be AWAKE. Wow.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Nothing really new or profound here...

A post on Red's site got me thinking about the men who've been part of my life one way or another. I've been trying to isolate the qualities each man brought into the relationship; what worked, what didn't, what I wouldn't put up with again. I have found that it's not necessarily the qualities these men possessed, but rather, my reaction to them. There are some guys that made me feel like a better person; mentally, emotionally, and (the chosen few) physically...

I seem to be stuck on "relationship" issues right now. I figure it's probably the fall season. Autumn just does something to me. I can't wait for winter....

Sunday, October 02, 2005


Things are getting better... thanks for the support. I'm trying to move on and move forward. I spent the day yesterday trying to get my place back in order. I have travelled so much the last 2 months, I haven't had my suitcase unpacked for more than a couple of weeks. The scary thing is that I'm gone again in a couple of weeks for a conference. This has been such a busy time in life. I'm kind of looking forward to winter and those warm cozy weekends with movies and Bailey's at home...

Other updates in my life... I tried the whole on-line dating thing. I took my profile off today. Man, what a trip that was. I went on 2 dates and I'm done for. Very nice men, nice looking, kind, got their life together - what could be wrong? Well, the first guy, somehow within 5 days, was starting to plan what kind of house we would live in and what kind of vehicle we could get together... Way too warp speed for me. I put the red light on that one but I'm really glad we're still able to talk and to chat. I don't know how things got carried away so far so fast, and I hope I can figure it out one day. The next guy, well, the chemistry is certainly there, I just can't see him fitting into my life in any sort of a long-term situation. Did I mention the chemistry and spark was there? Here's the dilemna: how do I find the middle road between these 2 extremes? I want someone where there is potential for long-term, but no rush, and where there is the chemistry and the emotional connection. To be honest, I am tempted to just go with the chemistry guy and shamelessly use him to my heart's content - but I don't know if I can be that kind of person. There's always a catch...

Here's my conclusion of the day: it shouldn't be so much work. As great as it is to have that sort of attention and interest, I guess it's just one more thing I don't want to deal with on a daily basis. I'm scared I'm going to be single forever... Sigh...