Spiced Hearth

That's the name of this new pot-pourri I got. Mmmmm. It's like pumpkin pie and cinnamon apple crisp put together.

I'm not used to having so much time at home. I'm struggling with trying to relax and let things go as well as using this time to furiously catch up and work ahead. I find myself on this computer way too much. I'm going to have to start shutting it off and barricading my desk. After posting of course.

Sometimes I miss the more carefree days I used to live. Granted, there was a lot more drinking, smoking, and well... other things which require an attentive energetic adventurous partner. Hee hee.

:)

Now, I find I am no longer satisfied with aimlessness (is that a word?). I crave direction and focus. I long for that "settled" feeling where I know where I am supposed to be and know what I am supposed to be doing. I have moved soooooooooooooooooo many times in my life. For once, I want to know that I will see the next spring and the spring after that and the spring after that - gasp - in the same place, the same town, the same city, the same country. Has my wanderlust dissipated. Could it be?

Moments

Bon Soir =
crawling into bed
my face in a soft pillow
waking and wondering if I'm still dreaming
rolling over glad I'm awake
dessert coffee to start the day
sleeping through the rest of day waiting to crawl into bed again...

New Day

Wow, it's amazing how you can wake up and it's another new day. I'm so glad I have the week off! I'm taking some time and some space to get things in order. My place, my life, my future...

I'm hoping that once some of the "clean-up" work is done, I'll be able to take a breath and just enjoy some peace around here. There's a bunch of stuff I'm hoping to get to - you know the projects that you know won't take long to do, but you just have to sit down and do them. Yah. Thppllllttttt. (How profound, I know).

I plan on having some movie nights this week too - any ideas you guys? Give me some of your favorites. I just watched Troy last week. I'm not really that huge of a Brad Pitt fan, but I would have played a virgin for him in that role too... Hee hee.

(pause for mental commercial...)

Ok, I'm back. I'm going to turn on some Def Leppard and get cleaning now. Ciao.

Wee wee wee, all the way home...

I'm back home now. There is so much going on in my mind about family, about relationships, about life and about death. We really are here for such a short time, we only have a limited number of days in our lives: what legacy will we leave behind? What legacy will I leave behind?

The older I get, the more clearly I can see how the decisions I make now so profoundly affect the rest of my life. When I listen to my grandparents and my parents speak, I can hear the results of the decisions they have made; in fact, I now realize that I am the product of those decisions. Any different choice along the way, and I wouldn't be sitting here blogging away my troubled little spirit.

When I look at the pictures of our family history, I see a portrait of success and failure - all within the same person; each generation a mere reflection of those before. I am thankful that I come from a long line of smart, outspoken, and confident women. When I don't feel I possess these qualities myself, I just reach into their gene-pool and lean on their strength.

I have also witnessed true love this weekend. The unconditional love only a parent holds for the child they created with their own bodies. And also the kind of love two people share after years and years of life together - the kind of love that can only be expressed with a tender look, a knowing glance, and a little touch with every passing. (My grandfather still grabs my grandmother every chance he gets... and she's over 80 years old!)

It makes me sad that love too dies. I've seen it die in the youngest of couples who I question if they ever had or even if they possess the ability to care about someone other themselves as much as to share this experience. I have felt the hope of this kind of love die when I separated from my ex-husband. I see it dying with the passing years and failing health of my grandparents. The grief can be overwhelming...

I cried on the way home. I cried for my grandparents; knowing this could be the last visit. I cried for my parents who know this as well. And I cried for me. Again, what legacy will I leave behind?

And perhaps, I cried with wonder and with fear; will I get my chance to experience that love and connection I see between my grandparents and my parents...

Sigh.

The Panic

I thought I would take a couple of moments before The Panic starts to wish you guys a Hoppy Easter weekend. I drive me crazy just prior to departure.

The phone woke me up at noon. I've gotten my hungover self out of bed, showered, and in motion. I am currently realizing that I'm supposed to be leaving in 17 minutes and I don't have a thing packed. Oooo, I can feel The Panic rising.... In about 2 minutes I'm going to be a little flury of activity while I madly rush around like an multi-tasking-ranting-Samsoniteloving-idiot. I know I can be charming, but it's just not until I pop in the first CD and open my favorite road-trip green tea ice tea.

Even if you aren't an Easter person, I hope you take some time to call the folks, send an email to a long-lost cousin, hug your brother or sister, and kiss the kids.

Cue the music: duh duh.......duh duh.......duh duh.... duh duh....duh duh
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (yep, I'm a screamer and The Panic has begun ;)

Hoppin Along

I am taking some time off! Yahoo!! I have one more day to get through and then I will be out of commission for 10 days. I can do anything for one day.

I'm going to go home for a while. I'll get a good dose of my Momma and Dad, grandparents, my uncle and aunt and about half a dozen cousins and all the little rug rats. Just what I need. Holidays are so much fun with everyone around. There'll be lots of cards, lots and lots of cooking and baking, and homemade wine. My dad and I always have a special bottle of cooking wine (hint: not a single drop goes in the food). This can make for interesting dinner conversations - I wonder what I'll have to talk about this time...

I'm looking forward to the Easter Bunny coming around too. I think Santa and the Easter bunny are somehow connected, and I'm hoping for my fancy-pants lavender linen spray and body lotion. If you don't believe - you don't receive. I'll stick to that.

22 Mar 05: Merci...

I know I didn't quite make the twelve o'clock deadline, but I figured I would try to at least keep up with the process...

1. knowledge is power
2. tomorrow is another day
3. there is good "out there" and there are those who are willing to help when I allow them

Sweet Slumber

How I wish for sweet slumber to take over this body of mine
So that I may be able to escape and elude the passage of time

21 Mar 05: Merci...

I knew some days would be harder to write these...

1. my health
2. silent strength
3. this day is done

:(

I just had some bad medical news about a family member today.

You know it's funny, I was just commenting on how I feel "lucky". If you ever heard half of what I've been through, maybe you wouldn't consider me lucky, but I guess I've just never chosen to label myself as a victim. Amazing things have always come my way, and perhaps the greatest of these is my health. I think that's something I've probably taken for granted.

Maybe, there is a cosmic balance, and the trenches I've escaped, I have to now dig while I watch those I love trudge through the muck. Is that how things work?

Sometimes, I wish that I could just shrug my shoulders and carry on. That's just not my nature. I need to know. I need to know what I'm dealing with - all the facts straight up, no sugar, no ice. Reality I can deal with, I just wish it wasn't always so hard to swallow.

For all of those who read, send little cosmic thoughts my way for healing and wellness...

20 Mar 05: Merci...

1. slippery slopes and fresh snow
2. finding my child-like giggle today
3. visual imagery

Wonderful Weekend

I've just had a great weekend. I decided that I wasn't going to do any work until Sunday night. I've just been hanging out, watching movies, taking pictures... :)

Life is great today. Isn't that a great feeling when you can say that? I want to remember this feeling, right now, so that when darker days come, I can remember that this is possible. The good does come, I just have to be patient...

I see fields of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world...
- Louis Armstrong

My turn for a quiz!

I love the quizzes that people post on their blog! I'll try anything twice... well, almost anything. ;)

I have one for you to take:

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

It just takes two minutes and you'll be amazed - it's a Myers-Briggs type test. Once you have your "classification", go to google and enter the letters i.e.: ENFJ and let me know what you find out.

17 Mar 05: Merci...

1. finally getting productive with my day... even though it was at 10pm
2. pinching people who weren't wearing green today (hee hee)
3. tomorrow is Friday!!!! Yipee!!!!

Wanna Know What?

I can balance an eraser on my nose all the way from my room upstairs to my desk downstairs...
Top that one folks!
(Yes, there are more productive things I should be doing, I just don't feel like it.)

Lucky Duck

It's St. Patrick's day. Yep. I wonder why we really celebrate this day to be honest. The images that come to mind are pots of gold, little men, and of course luck.
I must admit, I'm a lucky person. What is luck really? How do you define luck? Why do some of us seem to have it, and others seem to have "bad luck" - is there even such a thing as bad luck?
Is good luck just positive thinking and the brain finding a way to make good things happen? Is bad luck the result of bad choices? If so, what about all of those people who seem to be constantly faced with "bad luck"?
Hhmmm...

16 Mar 05: Merci...

1. a day off to sleep
2. the antihistamines which made me so loopy, I was told to take the day off to go home and sleep
3. feeling the healing... should be all better by Friday ;)

Smiles

Have you ever been at the right place at the right time. I feel so fortunate when this happens to me. There are just times when logic can not begin to explain the "why". It's times like this when I take a few moments at the end of my day and smile with my heart.

The beauty of a shining spirit can only be reflected by a smiling heart... I send a smile to all of those who chase the shadows with the brilliance of their presence in my life.

15 Mar 05: Merci...

1. being witness to something far greater than imagination can comprehend
2. solitude
3. healthy food in my fridge

14 Mar 05: Merci...

1. going to bed early
2. fresh squeezed orange juice
3. lavender linen spray

Wanted

I just totally want to be pampered and taken care of tonight. I want my every whim attended to (I'm not that sick... I still have a pulse you know). I want to be cherished and cared for and completely spoiled. Not in the stomp-my-foot-to-get-my own-way kind of spoiled, but in the I'll-do-anything-for-you-baby kind of spoiled.
:(
Is that so bad or so selfish?

Words to one of my favorites...

I remember buying a baby book for a friend and on the inside cover, there were all of the words to a childhood song. Go ahead and sing them like no one can hear...

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

Twinkle twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky

When the blazing sun in gone
When you nothing shine upon
Then you show your little light
Twinkle twinkle all the night

Then the traveler in the dark
Thanks you for your tiny spark
How could he see where to go
If you did not twinkle so

In the dark blue sky you keep
Often in my curtains peep
For you never shut your eye
Till the sun is in the sky

As a bright and tiny spark
Lights the traveler in the dark
Though I know not what you are
Twinkle twinkle little star

13 Mar 05: Merci...

1. Kleenex
2. Nyquil
3. Sleep

Capt. Sam's Blog Date: Week Eight

Ok, I finally pulled out a calendar and using my highly evolved (cough cough) math skills, I realized it's already been eight weeks of blogging. Wow. What a process.

I think I'm really getting a lot out of my Merci Moments. If you're wondering - I write three things I am thankful for on that particular day. Feel free to comment with your own three things that you are thankful for whenever you read these. Some days are easier than others.

I've also enjoyed doing some more writing. I'm trying to break out of the normal rhyming pattern I always seem to fall into. Somehow, that's just what comes easily to me. I also want to try slowly building a short story. I've been working on a character this weekend. We'll see.

I find myself watching less and less TV, and reading less of my magazines as well.. If I have a couple of minutes, I often quickly check in on people to see what they are up to. If you see me show up every day, I'm curious and want to see how you are doing. If you see me visit more than once a day, I just might be procrastinating and hoping you can lead me on a tangent so I can delay my "duties" for just a couple more minutes. Please be patient with me.

Final observation for Week Eight, what a small world this Land of Blog really is. I've been doing the "Next Blog" thing and I am intrigued with the people I randomly come across. There are starting to be familiar names showing up in blogs around the world. I even randomly came across Becky (April Fool) - great new look by the way!

Hopefully, all is well in your Land of Blog as well. I'm going to add an extra Merci Moment in here: I appreciate your presence in this little corner of my life. Your comments and consideration are truly little gifts in my day.

12 Mar 05: Merci...

1. my never ending curiosity
2. relaxing and laid-back Saturdays
3. sinus medication

I Tink I Hab a Code

Sniff. It finally caught up with me. My body is giving in and letting this cold creep in. It's funny how when I'm in the midst of stress and anxiety, my body can tough it out. Then the first breath I take, the moment I can just sit, that's it. Immunity gives out. Thank goodness I only get sick once or twice a year.
Ginger tea for me tonight - boiled ginger root, lemon and honey.
Any other miracle cold remedies out there you want to share?
Sniff.

11 Mar 05: Merci...

1. self-respect
2. dancing
3. Saturday night

Wanna Play?

I'm really learning what a playful person I am. I love to play. In all areas of my life. I love getting silly, acting silly, saying silly things, and overall getting into mischief. I think I've always been that way. Maybe my humor isn't always as transparent on my blog, but in person, I really like to "play".

I tease, I joke, I flirt - I'm the one in a group that will blurt something out which makes everyone laugh (which sometimes gets me in trouble). I have been accused of being "dramatic" (to which I always reply with a saucy curtsy).

I was talking with a friend of mine today and I was reminded that this was very much my role in my family as well. It's interesting to define our roles within our families and then reflect back on how this affects our present day. Humor has been a survival mechanism for me.

So far so good... she says with a mischievous grin ;)

10 Mar 05: Merci...

1. continuing my Merci Moments - I'm famous for having grand ideas but not always so great at following through
2. the respect I have earned from my collegues based on what I say and do - even when they might not like what they hear or the consequences of my decisions
3. my cozy little place I call home

9 Mar 05: Merci...

1. pretty toes and feet
2. doing what I want to do tonight, not what I should do
3. knowing I'm going to wake up tomorrow well-rested

Never giving in

The woman before me was a child in her heart
Whose faith in people had been torn apart

The woman before me was a teen in her ways
Constantly testing the boundaries each day

The woman before me was a young bride full of lust
Full of great dreams, of hope and of trust.

The woman I am is comprised of each one
of the tales which have guided, pushed, and undone
the polish, the lacquer, the finish, the shine
of the carpenters who once ruled this shrine of mine.

I stand on my own looking within
and I'm pleased to see, I never gave in.

Go here...

http://www.965themountain.com/default2.asp

and vote "excellent". Red did a great job!

A night off...

I'm under strict instructions to take a night off.

Ok, now what? What do I do when I don't work? Does anyone know what I could do? I read through some of my posts. I guess I could start writing a trashy novel to channel all my sexy thoughts. I could read a trashy novel to channel all of my sexy thoughts. I could... sigh.

Anyone? Anyone?

Well, maybe I'll just sneak in an hour of work and then I'll sleep.

8 Mar 05: Merci...

1. anticipation
2. when "enlightenment" is visible; when you see someone grasp a concept for the first time and knowing they are forever changed by this process... and thinking you may have been a part of that learning process
3. my photos: those which serve as a testament to the past, but more importantly, those which provide hope and promise and possibilities

Twitterings...

Well, I had three alarms going this morning and I still didn't get up when I wanted to. The good thing is that I was full of energy today. Life is always better with sleep. I don't know why I insist on learning that lesson again and again.

It was really a great day. The weather is nicer, you need less clothes to go out; tank tops, capri pants, flirty cotton shirts, cute lacey "pretties" - and it's almost time for barefeet and sandals. I'm starting to feel springtime twitterpation. The first signs of grass slowly emerge from the ground, evenings are longer, rosebuds come out, noon time sun is getting hot, rain washes over winter's wake...

Yep. Works for me.

Slip slidin away...

I'm on the edge of consciousness...
Have you ever been so tired you have to purposefully remember to hold up your head? It's almost at the point I'm afraid to go asleep because once I sleep, I don't know how I'm ever going to wake up in the morning.
I think I could sleep for 2 days straight.

I wish I were in a mountain cabin and it was storming outside. I'd have a sweetheart there to make me tea and tuck me in bed. (Good thing for spell check - I just about got that last part wrong). Hee hee.

7 Mar 05: Merci...

1. the smell of Spring's first rain
2. wake up calls
3. friends who are far away but so cherished in my heart

6 Mar 05: Merci...

1. finishing projects
2. starting new ones
3. my imagination... ;)

Change

I'm doing some interesting reading on "change". Change is inherently stressful. This is a fact. Even if the change is positive, there remains an element of stress.

Now I ask, is it the process of change or the change itself which causes the stress?

Apply this question to policies, procedures, methods, objectives, goals, co-workers, colleagues... or even on a more personal note, family, friends, relationships, self-esteem and self-efficacy...

I find I'm going through the process of thinking of all of the times in my life when I've been confronted by change. When I was most stressed-out, was it the change or the process?

5 Mar 05: Merci...

1. cordless phones
2. pot roast dinner with all of the trimmings - I am a great cook after all
3. knowing I'm not that same gullible person I was 10 years ago... now I'm older

Another pot of coffee...

This is a story that was given to me by someone who knew I was going through a difficult time. It was a wonderful way of letting me know that she cared and that she wanted to empower me with the ability to carry on. As I enjoy another pot of coffee, I thought I would share it. I know it seems long, but it's a good read.

ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN?

You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked. "What's the point, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity--boiling water--but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?

How do you handle Adversity? ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN? - Author Unknown

[UPDATE: Sorry, the first time I posted this, I had it under "no comments allowed"... please, feel free to comment!]

4 Mar 05: Merci...

1. fair winds and soft landings...(those who are Airborne will always carry on)
2. like minds
3. moments when I feel alive

Ever have one of those days when you just feel "flat". I feel this way today. I just want to put my head under all 6 of my pillows and pull the covers up over my head.

I know I'll snap out of it. I miss "me" too much to stay here for long.

3 Mar 05: Merci...

1. this day is almost done
2. knowing history only repeats itself if you never turn the page
3. white roses

2 Mar 05: Merci...

1. the ability to be honest
2. music to accompany me when I'm sad
3. knowing the star with my name on it still shines even if I can't see it

Scenescaping...

I just love how some of the pieces of artwork I have completely transport me into another time and place. I can look at a picture and instantly be somewhere else.

Linda Evans (not from Dynasty) allows me to be a caricature little girl skipping along Lake Louise… Emily Carr lets me smell the sea and be at one with my spirit… Picasso brings me to another dimension where everything makes sense… Michael Gentry reminds me there are guardians here on earth… Bev Doolittle shows me there is always more to find if you keep looking… Michael Humphries promises me that one day I will settle down… a pen and ink by Wes reminds me how affection can be just standing side by side…

Sip, Sigh, sip, unwind…

1 Mar 05: Merci...

1. firemen: for risking their lives for complete strangers
2. strong coffee
3. knowing that a day is not too much to get through

Alarming

Do I feel a little silly right now or what...

Ever ask 'why me'? Tonight, the shower was on forever - long enough so the hot was turned on all the way until even that went cold. The bathroom door opens with a waft of nice, hot, steamy air. Guess what happened then... Yep, the smoke detector goes off. I immediately phone the maintenance people for my building and I am informed the fire department has already been dispatched. Oh great. I immediately do all of the important things first: put on a bra, put on pants, hide the empties, organize my shoes at the door...

Three firemen come barrelling through the front door and start scoping out the place. Here I am making excuses for the dust bunnies on the floor, for the paperwork which is scattered everywhere, for my jacket that I didn't hang up. Then I start to rattle off part of my life story when I notice that there is a small crowd forming outside. It is then that I realize that ALL of the alarms in ALL of the units were blaring and everyone is trying to figure out who the hell is the culprit. Doh!

Meanwhile, there are FIREMEN wandering around my bedroom, in my bathroom, in my kitchen... and I am still worried about dust bunnies! Two of them leave and I'm still chatting up the lone fireman left in my house. That's when the chief comes in and yells, "The alarm didn't go off in this unit!"

And then there were none...no more firemen, just me worrying about whether or not they noticed there were still dishes in my sink. Yep, glad I've got my priorities straight.